


First Impressions

by Eve1978



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Actor - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, London, Romance, tom hiddleston - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-19 15:36:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 21,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2393720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my first Hiddleston fic I wrote a few months ago and the one that woke up the urge to write more. The chapters are very short but I hope you enjoy it anyway!</p><p>When Cate first meets Tom Hiddleston he isn't the gentleman she always imagined him to be...</p><p>"That was Tom Hiddleston, the real Tom Hiddleston, there was no doubt in my mind. I had seen enough pictures and videos of him on the internet, I knew every inch of that face and I had imagined this moment many times in my head but it never quite went like this.<br/>In my mind I never attacked him with my umbrella but more importantly in none of my scenarios did he turn out to be such a rude asshole."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The asshole

I was walking the streets of London, the very rainy streets of London, I had been here a little over a week now and it rained every single day.  
Hiding under my umbrella I tried to avoid the puddles on the sidewalk.  
I could never leave England but on days like these I had to admit I was tempted. I could have made my new start anywhere I wanted but London had one thing other cities didn’t have: my best friend Amy. 

That and I always dreamed of living there, I grew up in a very small town in the middle of England, don’t get me wrong, I loved it there but it was so quiet and uneventful I always wondered how different life would be living in a big city bursting of life, activity and people. 

So far it was pretty much the same only louder and crowdier, and with a lot more Starbucks.

I made my way down the stairs to the London underground, this had been my biggest challenge so far since I arrived here.  
I had taken 5 wrong trains on my first day in London. I was hopeless in following directions, Amy had written everything down for me today so I could not miss my train, apparently she didn’t know me well enough, I was already running half an hour late because I had been on the wrong platform, twice!

When I finally managed to get on a train I sank into a seat and closed my eyes, my jeans was wet from the stupid rain and my hair was a horrible mess, I was a horrible mess.

I’ve lived in a small village for 34 years, went to highschool there and married my highschool sweetheart Ben as soon as I turned 19.  
We were happy for several years but then things changed, we grew up and with that we grew apart and Ben turned out not to be the sweetheart I married.

I don’t want to get into that right now, it’s a boring sad story and frankly I’m tired of telling it, the only thing that matters is that after 12 years of marriage I was alone again and it scared the shit out of me.  
I couldn’t take care of myself, Ben was always in charge of that.

After the break up I moved back in with my parents and I started working as my mother’s assistent.  
Firstly because no one else would hire me and secondly, and that I learned along the way, because my mother was quite the bitchy boss and all her previous assistants quit after several months.

I managed to hang in there for 2 years.  
To save our relationship I had to quit and look for something else, I loved my mother to bits but working together would have been the end of us.

Amy’s phonecall came as a sign from God, her roommate had left for Ireland without giving her any notice and she had a free room and a rent she couln’t possibly pay alone.  
I didn’t have to think very long about her offer to move in and finally live in London.

So now several weeks later I was sitting in the London underground, alone, on my way to a job interview my mother arranged for me.  
I should probably mention that my mother is a writer and her novels are quite a big thing in England at the moment. So big that one of them is being turned into a movie, I would never even have a chance at an interview for this job without her. 

She had convinced me to apply by assuring me she would not be coming to London during filming and would only be advising from a distance.

One of the main actresses, Emily, needed a personal assistant on the set and since I had some experience assisting my mother, known as the most difficult person to assist ever, I actually believed I had a shot at this job and I could even be good t it, if I managed to get to the interview on time that is.  
I rushed out of the train, up the stairs, crossing my fingers that I was going the right way this time.

I let out a sigh of relief when I noticed I was in the right street, I was 35 minutes late, hopefully they would forgive me for that, seeing it was my first week in London and I didn’t know my way around yet.

I was greeted by a very friendly and enthusiastic lady who took me to a small office to ask me a few questions. It was all very basic and short, I didn’t feel like I had convinced her at al and left the office with a bad feeling.  
The only hope I had left was my mother’s influence and that was not really how I wanted to get the job.

Swearing between my teeth I put on my coat and stepped outside.

Perfect, it was raining even harder now, I walked down the stairs to the street while I fought with my umbrella.  
My hair was already soaking wet again from being in the rain for two minutes and I was starting to get really pissed off and this stupid umbrella wouldn’t open!  
I started shaking it until it shot open in front of me.

‘Fuck! Are you crazy, lady?!’  
I hit someone, I lifted my umbrella to see a man in front of me, he was wearing a nice suit that was now covered in coffee.

I hit him in the chest with my umbrella throwing his coffee cup all over him. Oh no, nice one Cate!

I could see the raindrops falling on his suit making it completely wet within seconds, he must have rushed out of a car to the building when I intercepted him.  
He still wasn’t looking at me but was trying to get the coffee out of his jacket.

‘I’m so…’  
‘Did you not look at all for God’s sake? This suit is completely ruined!’

‘I’m sorry,’ I stuttered.  
‘That doesn’t help me does it?!’  
Okay, I knew it was clumsy of me but this guy was just rude, I said I was sorry!

I took his coffee cup off the ground and as I got back up I stared right into his face, wishing with every inch of my body that I hadn’t, I knew his voice sounded familiar…

I knew this face, those cheekbones, those blue eyes, those lips and the short curly hair. I was gasping for air at the sight of him and then his hand brushed mine softly while he took the cup out of my hand, with that one move he took all the air out of my lungs.

If I didn’t remember how to breathe really soon I would suffocate right here on the pavement in front of him.  
Death by Hiddleston.

‘Do us all a favour and watch where you’re going next time,’ he snapped and without giving me a second look he disappeared into the building, pulling me out of my dream.  
I was stuck to the pavement, my umbrella hanging from my hands and the rain slamming down on my face.

This couldn’t be real!  
That was Tom Hiddleston, the real Tom Hiddleston, there was no doubt in my mind. I had seen enough pictures and videos of him on the internet, I knew every inch of that face and I had imagined this moment many times in my head but it never quite went like this.

In my mind I never attacked him with my umbrella but more importantly in none of my scenarios did he turn out to be such a rude asshole.


	2. The roommate

About an hour later I walked up the stairs to Amy’s loft, when I opened the door she was sitting at a stool in the open kitchen looking at me with the biggest grin on her face.

‘What’s with you?’ I asked as I put my wet coat on a chair and kicked my shoes off.  
‘You first,’ she got up and poured us both a cup of coffee,’ how did the interview go?’

‘Fine,’ I sighed as I pulled myself onto a kitchen stool.  
‘Fine is not good.’  
‘Nope,’ I shook my head.

‘So you’re not gonna get it?’ Amy asked disappointed.  
‘Not unless my mom uses her mojo, nope.’

‘Damned, Cate!’ she hit the kitchen counter in frustration,’ you have to get it!’  
‘There will be other jobs,’ I said, she seemed more upset about this than I was.

‘No, you don’t get it,’ she explained,’ you want to get THIS job.’  
‘Why?’

‘Because…I just got off the phone with your mother,’ she explained,’ they have just cast the male lead and you’ll never guess who it is!’

The big grin was back on her face.  
Oh no… 

‘It’s him, Cate, it’s Tom.’  
She knew I didn’t even need a last name.

I let out a deep sigh and let my head hang down into my hands while shaking my head.  
‘Why are you not jumping up and down right now?’ Amy asked surprised.

‘Because,’ I sighed,’ I just met him, and he’s a jerk.’

 

‘You did what?!’ she spat out when I told her what happened.  
‘It was an accident! I thought we were going to focus on what he did? He was just plain rude!’  
‘He must have had a bad day,’ she said with a dreamy look in her eyes.

‘Don’t you dare defend him,’ I warned her.  
‘It’s usually you doing that.'  
She was right.

‘Yes, well that’s over now,’ I sighed.

‘So you don’t even want the job?’ she asked.  
‘It doesn’t matter, I’m not going to get it.’

Of course I got it, my mother knew I adored Tom and thought she was doing me the biggest favour by convincing or, knowing my mother, threatening the producer to let me have the job.

I would start in a few days, Amy was over the moon, it seemed like everyone was happy about this but I couldn’t be more conflicted.

Me and Amy were on the couch that Saturday night watching The deep blue sea. She insisted I saw Tom in action to help me convince that working with him would be amazing.  
We were watching one of the scenes where he was fighting with Rachel Weisz.

‘I guess this is more like you know him now, huh?’ Amy Joked.  
I gave her a deadly look.  
‘Too soon,’ I said as I shook my head.

‘Come on, can you please get happy over this? I know at least thousands of girls who would kill to be in your place.’  
‘Then they probably haven’t met him yet,’ I gave her an angry look.  
She threw her pillow in my face and I couldn’t help but laugh.

This is what I loved most about Amy, she was the most honest person you would ever meet and you could always count on her to tell it like it is without being rude about it or making you feel bad. 

We’ve known each other since childhood when she lived 2 houses away from me, we became best friends and stayed close during our high school years, after which she left to study in London and decided to live there.  
We kept in touch and I saw her every few months when she came home to visit her family.

When I moved in here it felt like we just picked up where we left off.  
Amy worked as a high school teacher, she was very smart but also very young at heart, her students were like her best friends, she loved her job and she lived for it.

‘So did you hear from Ben yet?’ she changed the subject.  
‘No, nothing,’ I said softly,’ I didn’t expect anything else.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she said,’ are you okay, Cate?’  
‘I’m fine, you know if nothing else this job will at least keep me busy and put my mind on other things.’

I wasn’t lying, I was fine, I didn’t feel heartbroken because my marriage had been dead a long time before the break up.  
By the time we finally decided to divorce all the pain of losing each other had already passed and the wounds were already starting to heal again. Well mine anyway, I couldn’t speak for Ben.

All that was left now was an empty feeling, I felt like a fish out of water every hour of every day.  
I was fine, I just wasn’t happy.


	3. The first day

My nerves were killing me on that first day, I was always beyond nervous for first days on a new job, combine that with the realisation that I would see Tom again today and I was a wreck running on way too much caffeine.

I made my way into the building and into my office, since I would be doing quite a bit of paperwork and phone calls they gave me my own small office close to the set, it was nothing more than a desk and a chair but I was glad to have a place to retreat when filming became too hectic. 

It was a pretty low budget movie with a small cast but it was my first experience in this business and I imagined it would get pretty hectic at times.

My job would be to assist Emily, that meant I would have to do pretty much anything she asked and that could go from basic things like getting coffee or lunch or helping with her costume on set, to bigger things like talking to the press, making sure she stuck to her schedule at all time.  
And if she was really annoying it would also consist of silly things like helping her avoid her mother’s calls or updating her Twitter.

I crossed my fingers that she would be nice and down to earth.  
She was an upcoming star and this was her first big film, her first moment on the big screen and she got to share it with Tom Hiddleston, some girls really did have all the luck!

I jumped when there was a knock on my door.  
‘Yes,’ I yelled,’ I mean…come in.’  
I rubbed my forehead and closed my eyes for a second, the caffeine was taking its toll already, this was going to be a long day.

‘Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this was Luke’s office.’  
I stared right into Tom’s blue eyes, of course he would be the first person I would meet today!

‘I’m Emily’s assistant,’ my voice sounded a little shaky but he didn’t seem to notice.  
‘Oh hello, nice to meet you,’ he smiled and he offered me his hand,’ I’m Tom.’  
Well of course you are...

‘Cate,’ I said and I managed to control my breathing when he shook my hand. It was a firm handshake, his hand was warm and he held on a little bit longer than I was used to.

‘Have we met?’ he asked and I could see he was studying my face.  
God please don’t stare at me like that.

I wondered how long it would take him but he kept the puzzled look on his face.

‘You don’t remember me, do you?’ I asked.  
‘I feel like I should, but no.’  
‘Did you manage to get the coffee out of your suit or is it, like you said, completely ruined?’ I asked.

I had never watched someone’s facial expression change so fast.  
‘Oh my God, you’re evil umbrella girl!’ he said shocked.

It sounded like he was giving me my own superhero name and I tried my best not to laugh, I refused to let him charm his way out of this.  
‘And you’re the rude actor,’ I said.

‘I am so sorry,’ he apologised,’ I was having such a terrible day.’  
‘As opposed to my day which was filled with sunshine and unicorns?’ I interrupted him.

‘I know it’s in no way an excuse,’ he continued.

‘No it’s not,’ I said firmly,’ and you might be all nice now that you know you’ll be working with me but I just don’t believe it now.’  
He didn’t seem to know what to say and I couldn’t read his face, I just continued talking.

‘You know there’s this quote that says you can judge a man’s real character by the way he treats those who can do nothing for him,’ I said,’ so you’re nice now but when I was a nobody to you, you were really rude and disrespectful.’

I bit my lip, I didn’t know where that all came from, usually I was stuck for words in situations like this and now I just couldn’t seem to stop my words.  
He just looked at me.

‘You stabbed me in the chest with your umbrella,’ he said, there wasn’t a hint of anger in his voice, just surprise at my reaction.  
‘You could hardly call that stabbing,’ I said in my defense.

‘I still have the bruise to prove it,’ I watched how he started to unbutton his shirt.  
First day on the job with Tom Hiddleston and he was undressing right in front of me!

‘Stop!’ I raised my hands.  
I was in no need to see his perfect bare chest,’ I believe you, keep your shirt on.’

He looked a little surprised at my protest.

‘I’m sorry,’ he then said again,’ I wasn’t myself that day, I apologize if I said or did anything to offend you.’

He looked at me with such a sweet smile on his face I wanted to believe him but I shook my head. 

Oh no, you will not win me over with your gorgeous face and those puppy eyes, I’m sure you’re very used to getting what you want at all times but not with me, no sir!

That day was still too clear in my memory, all I could see was an asshole, a gorgeous asshole mind you but still an asshole.


	4. The bruise

I met Emily later that day, my first impression of her couldn't have been better. She was nice and polite, a bit shy even and very young. She seemed a bit overwhelmed by the whole experience and she was happy to have someone here to support her and help her with the little things.

It was almost time for me to go home and she hadn’t asked me for anything more than a coffee all day.

‘I’m done for today, are you sure there’s nothing else I can get you?’ I asked her while she was reading her script in the dressing room. She sat leaned back in her chair with her feet up and her long blonde curly hair hanging over her shoulders.

‘No, I’m good, thank you,’ she smiled, showing her perfect white teeth and her gorgeous blue eyes, her smile made her whole face light up.  
If she wasn’t so sweet I would hate this girl.

I was already walking to the door when she called me back.

‘Oh wait, this part of the script is for Tom, could you give it to him on your way out?’ she asked,’ he should be in his dressing room.’  
Ugh fuck, I tried not to roll my eyes. Why? Ask me anything you want, anything that doesn't have to do with mister asshole Hiddleston.

‘Sure,’ I faked a smile and took the papers from her hands,’ no problem, I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Damned, having to face him again was about the last thing I wanted to do, this day had been a challenge and I was quite ready for it to be over now.

I walked across the set hoping to run into Luke, Tom’s publicist who had been running around here all day, but of course I couldn’t find him now that I needed him.

I let out a deep sigh. Oh suck it up Cate, just hand him the script, be polite and get out.  
You’re an adult, he’s just a man.

I knocked on his door but didn’t hear anything, I was just about to knock again when he opened the door. My hand almost hit him on the chest.

‘You really are an aggressive little thing aren’t you?’ he said with a little smile.  
Little thing?

The sight of him took my breath away again, this was starting to get annoying, if I was going to have to work with him every day I would have to find a way to get used to this face, those piercing eyes and…that bare chest. His shirt was open and I felt my eyes wonder off to his chest and his muscled belly and…

‘You alright there?’ he asked.  
‘Yes,’ I answered way too quickly and my eyes shot up and met his.

He must have seen me stare, oh balls! I mean…fuck, poor choice of words, stop it!

I tried to keep my eyes on his face this time but then I saw the huge bruise on his chest, right underneath his heart.  
‘Oh my god!’ I said shocked,’ I did that?’

He nodded his head.  
‘You thought I was exaggerating didn't you?’

I had been really focussed on him being so rude I hadn’t realised that I had actually physically hurt him.  
‘I’m so sorry,’ I stuttered,’ I’m…is it really painful?’

‘You almost broke my heart,’ he said with that deep voice and the way he looked at me while he said it made me feel really uncomfortable.  
He kept staring into my eyes, I was sure he knew exactly what he was doing to me and I hated him for that.

‘If I wanted your heart I would have aimed higher,’ I said, not breaking eye contact. I refused to let him see what effect he had on me and I was happy he seemed caught off guard by my answer.

He looked away first and leaned against the frame of the door, crossing his arms.  
‘Did you want something, Cate?’ he asked, all business now.

‘Yes, Emily wanted me to give you this,’ I pushed the papers into his hands,’ I’ll see you tomorrow.’

I walked away from him, I wanted to be annoyed with him so much but I couldn’t help but smile.  
He was still arrogant and full of himself and annoying, but he remembered my name.


	5. The kiss

I was already on the set very early the next day, Emily was running late and Tom was walking around the set practising his lines.

Our set consisted of a few basic rooms that were used throughout the movie like the living room, bedroom, kitchen, hallway, the workplaces of the leading characters.  
The director, Brad, was walking around the set all nervous, they were behind on schedule today and to make matters worse Emily wasn’t there yet and they really needed to start the scene.

‘Cate, any word?’ Brad yelled from the other side of the set.  
‘She will be here in an hour,’ I answered.

He was out of his chair and pacing around again.  
‘That’s not good enough!’ he said angrily between his teeth,’ Tom?’  
‘I’m ready to go,’ Tom answered.

‘Okay,’ Brad said and he turned to me,’ Cate, fill in for Emily for a second.’  
I’m sorry, what?

‘What?!’ I realised it was both me and Tom saying that.  
‘No no no,' I protested,' I’m not an actress, I couldn't possibly...'

‘You don’t have to say the lines, we really need the angle for this scene now, it’s just camera angles and timing, he can do it with anyone, it doesn't have to be convincing,’ Brad explained.  
‘But…’  
Before I could protest any further he had pushed me onto the set and I was standing right in front of Tom with the cameras and lights on me.  
Brad put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me even closer to Tom.

‘Now just look at him saying his lines, follow his lead and then do the kiss so we know how to film it.’  
‘What?’  
Me and Tom at the same time again.  
Hey, why are you protesting, buddy?! You’re the actor, you do this all the time.

I knew I wasn’t up to his usual standards of actrice beauty but really, was I that repulsive? Was it that much of a task to kiss me once?  
His reaction made me want to do it even less.

‘Isn’t there anyone else?’ I tried.  
Brad came up to me and looked me in the eyes.  
‘Jealous husband?’ he asked,’ boyfriend?’

‘No,’ I said softly.  
‘Girlfriend?’  
‘No!’

‘Alright,’ he smiled,’ then stop pretending it’s such a difficult job to kiss mr Hiddleston, suck it up and do it.’  
Suck it up? There would be no sucking of any kind!  
I wanted to hit this guy in the face, when I looked at Tom he had an amused look on his face.

‘Is this funny to you?’  
‘No,’ he raised his hands in defense,’ it’s just been a while since I’ve seen a girl protest so much to get a kiss from me.’  
Oh, you smug son of a bitch!

He could see the angry expression on my face.  
‘Yeah, that sounded a bit different in my head,’ he said softly.  
Oh, I bet it did!  
‘Sorry,’ he said but I just rolled my eyes.

‘Okay, children,’ Brad yelled from his chair,’ it’s just a kiss, you don’t have to marry him, can we go please?’  
He was losing his patience, I nodded my head, I suddenly lost all ability to move knowing that within minutes Tom would be kissing me, Tom Hiddleston would be kissing me. Do not faint, do not faint…

The cameras were rolling and Tom was saying his lines but he might as well have been speaking Chinese, I saw him speak but I didn’t hear anything he said. All I could see was him slowly coming closer to me, it was like he was moving in slow motion.

I snapped out of my dream state when he took my hand and pulled me closer, his eyes brought me back to reality, he looked at me with so much desire in his eyes I could feel my heart starting to race. I had to remind myself that he was just acting and none of this was real.

But then he leaned closer, his head against mine for a few seconds before I felt his lips on mine. His kiss was slow and soft but as I kissed him back it became more intense, he took my head between his hands, tilting my head back which only deepened the kiss even more. I never wanted this to end, if I could be stuck in this exact moment for eternity that would be the last thing I would ever ask for. I forgot all about the cameras and the whole room watching us until I heard the most annoying word ever.  
‘Cut!’ Brad yelled.

Tom held his face against mine after the filming stopped. I tried to control my breathing and let go of his hand.  
‘Was that alright?’ I whispered.  
‘It was perfect,’ he whispered and gave me a little smile before he walked away.

I was stuck to the ground, I knew I had to move but I literally couldn’t, every inch of my body was on fire and it felt like I would just fall to the ground if I even took one step.  
Brad’s loud voice shook me,’ Cate, get off the set.’  
Fuck!

***  
Amy looked at me with her mouth and eyes wide open.  
‘If you open him even more your pizza’s gonna fall out,’ I raised my eyebrow at her.  
We were sitting at a small table in an Italian restaurant close to our loft.

‘You kissed him?’ she yelled,’ you kissed Tom Hiddleston?!’  
I could see a few other customers staring now.

‘A bit louder,’ I said,’ I don’t think the cook in the back quite heard you.’  
She just formed the words without making any sound now,’ you kissed him?’

‘It was acting, it doesn’t count,’ I said and I shook my head.  
‘So no tongue?’ she asked.  
‘Well,’ I smiled.  
‘Oh my god!’ she was yelling again.

‘Sshh!’ I urged her to not draw any more attention to us,’ and no, he’s a professional.’  
‘Yeah, right,’ she rolled her eyes and took another bite from her pizza.

‘So is he still a jerk?’ she then asked.  
‘Of course,’ I tried to cut my pizza and took another sip of my wine,’ this doesn’t change anything, he’s still arrogant as fuck, now he’s just a jerk with an amazing ability to kiss.’

Amy shook her head and laughed in disbelief.  
‘I am so glad you’re living with me,’ she smiled,’ you made my life so much less boring.’

‘I’m glad I’m living with you too,’ I confessed,’ I’m really loving London so far, apart from Hiddles everything is exactly like I hoped it would be, maybe even better.’

‘Let’s make a toast then,’ she raised her glass,’ to us, and to your new job, and to Tom’s lips.’  
‘What?’ I asked.

‘Well, you can tell me whatever you want, Cate,’ she said with a smug smile,’ about hating him and everything, but that smile has been on your face all night so you don’t fool me, not for a second, you are so head over heals and your denial is absolutely cute.’

I put my glass down and gave her an angry look.

‘I’m not toasting to that,’ I said stubborn but she just shrugged her shoulders and laughed.


	6. The blood

I was sitting in a chair close to the set the next day, I was just close enough to follow everything but also well hidden behind the chairs of the more important part of the crew. I was trying to make a few phone calls to arrange some interviews for Emily.   
She was doing a scene with Tom and I was doing my best to keep my mind on the calls and not on them, they were doing the kissing scene that Tom rehearsed with me the day before, and while it was convincing and quite romantic I could only see one thing: he didn’t take her face into his hands like he did with me. 

I knew it was probably just something to do with the camera angles, my brain knew it was some stupid little thing like that but my heart read way more into that than it should and I couldn’t help but smile.

‘Yes, sorry I’m still here,’ I said through the phone, I got off the chair and starting walking away from the set and into the hallway. These phone calls needed my attention and I would not be able to give it as long as I was in the same room with him.

I had been thinking about what Amy said all day now, I knew she was right, of course I was head over heels, how could I not be?

I’ve liked him for a long time before I even met him and though I was completely put off by his personality since I did meet him, physically I could not be more attracted, and part of me was starting to believe my first impression had been wrong, maybe he did have a really bad day then, even the best people can act like jerks sometimes right?   
Maybe I was just turning into a stupid girl who only sees what she wants to see.

I leaned against the wall after the last phone call and let out a deep sigh. Amy was right about one thing though, life sure wasn’t boring lately.

As I was walking back to my office I could see Tom running through the hallway and into the men’s room, he almost hit me in passing and I could see blood running off his arm.  
I was standing by the door when I heard him swearing in pain.  
I hesitated for a second but then knocked on the door.

‘Tom?’ I yelled,’ are you alright?’  
It stayed quiet.

‘Come in,’ he finally yelled back.  
I entered the men’s room and saw him standing in front of me, leaned against the sink with a painful expression on his face and a deep cut in his arm. The blood was running all over his arm and hands.

‘Bloody hell,’ I gasped,’ what happened?’  
‘One of the lights came down, on me.’

‘My god, you’re like a magnet for accidents’ I said, holding in my laughter and he gave me an annoyed look.  
I walked up to him, took one of the towels next to the sink and held it under the water.   
‘Come here,’ I said as I took his arm.

I was focussed on helping him and forgot all about my nerves.  
I washed the blood off his arm and saw the wound wasn’t as big as I thought at first sight, it looked a lot better now all the blood was gone.

He was still pulling faces and I shook my head,’ Don’t be a baby, Hiddles.’  
He looked at me,’ I prefer to go by Tom.’  
‘And I prefer to go by your highness but everyone still calls me Cate, we can’t always get what we want.’

I could see a little smile on his face and then he stared into my eyes and I was suddenly aware of how close he was and where we were. This was a massive studio with lots of people working on the movie and somehow I always managed to put myself in a situation where I was close to him, and alone with him. How did this happen?

‘You’re probably gonna need stitches,’ I said softly.  
‘I can take stitches,’ he smiled,’ thank you for helping me.’  
His eyes did not let go of me and I was starting to feel really flustered, I couldn’t handle him being this close and this adorable.  
‘You’re welcome,’ I muttered.

Why did he not stop staring at me without saying a word?! Does he not know that makes women feel uncomfortable?

We both jumped when Brad stormed into the room.  
‘Tom! Oh thank god, is it bad?’ he asked worried.

He rushed towards Tom without giving me any attention, as I stepped back I could see more of the crew coming in and I got pushed to the back, away from Tom.  
I stayed in the restrooms after all the others had left, Tom’s blood was still all over me and I let the water run so I could wash it off.

***

‘Oh my god, this is better than a soap opera!’ Amy laughed when I told her the story that night.  
We were both sitting on the couch getting ready to watch a movie, dressed in our pajamas and armed with a bottle of wine.

‘First you stabbed him and now you tended to his wounds,’ she swooned,’ it’s so romantic.’  
‘Please don’t,’ I shook my head and rolled my eyes,’ I mean…who am I even kidding! Guys like him do not fall for girls like me.’

‘Maybe he’s had enough of beautiful sophisticated women,’ Amy said.  
‘Thank you,’ I said sarcastically,’ I don’t know whether to be insulted or encouraged by that.’  
‘You know what I mean, if he always goes for the same type of perfect tall skinny women…’  
‘I beg you to stop talking.’  
‘Maybe he would like a funny sweet sassy girl with a bit of personality for a change,’ she continued with a smile.  
‘Yeah, I’m sure he’s magically drawn to all my imperfections.’

‘Stop your sarcasm,’ she said,’ do you want him?’  
‘The entire female population wants him!’ I yelled out.  
‘I don’t care about them, I asked you because he obviously has taken an interest in you,’ Amy said stubborn,’ do YOU want him?’

I looked at her and bit my lip.

‘Yes, of course I do,’ I then confessed softly. It felt like a bit of a relief to just admit it.  
‘Then at least give yourself a chance,’ she insisted,’ don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.’  
I looked at her and raised my eyebrows,‘ I know that’s from a movie.’

‘It’s from 10 things I hate about you,’ she confessed,’ but I think it fits here.’  
‘Do we have that movie?’ I asked.  
‘No, I’ve picked something else.’  
‘It better not have Hiddles in it!’ I warned her.

‘It has Ryan Gosling, is that okay?’ she asked.  
‘Perfect,’ I smiled, but it didn’t matter, all I could think about was Tom and the way he had stared into my eyes.

If even Ryan Gosling couldn’t get me to stop thinking about him for a few minutes I was in deep trouble.


	7. The call

I was pulling my bag behind me in Euston station that morning, the whole movie crew was traveling to a small castle just outside London to do most of the outside scenes. We would be staying there for a week. I struggled to get my bag on the train while holding my coffee and handbag with my other arm and of course not one man around willing to help me lift my bag for just one second.

My mood wasn’t great this morning, my crush on Tom had kept me awake most of the night and above all that I hated traveling. Thank god we would only be on the train for a few hours and I might be able to catch up on some sleep.

I found a spot on the train next to Emily, she was sitting by the window with her Ipod, giving me a smile and a quick kiss on the cheek when I sat down and she looked out of the window again.   
Good, I wasn’t in the mood to talk either this morning. 

I closed my eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath, when I opened them I saw Tom walking between the seats, he waved at me and gave me a little smile as he came closer.

‘Morning, Hiddles,’ I said.  
‘Morning, your highness,’ he smiled.  
I couldn’t help but laugh at him and shook my head. Why did he have to be such an adorable dork?  
He passed by me and took a seat at the other end of the carriage, facing me. I had nowhere else to look but right at him, great…

I took my phone just to have something to distract me from him when I saw 3 missed calls…from Ben.  
Oh fuck.  
Just as I was staring at the screen he called again, I let out a deep sigh. I knew I had to talk to him sometime, this phone call was long overdue. I got up and walked to the small corridor connection between the carriages where I could be alone and answered his call.

‘Hi.’  
‘Cate?’  
‘Yeah, it’s me…I’m sorry I didn’t call you.’  
‘It’s fine.’  
His voice gave me chills, I hadn’t allowed myself to think about him since I was in London but hearing him now had more effect on me than I had expected.

‘How are things in London?’ he asked.  
‘Good, everything’s good, how have you been?’  
‘How do you think?’  
Oh no, here we go…

‘Please don’t do this again,’ I pleaded.  
‘You left, Cate! You have no right to ask me anything!’  
‘Why did you call me then?’  
‘I thought…maybe you missed me at least half as much as I miss you…’  
I didn’t have an answer to that.

‘I forgive you, you know,’ he continued,’ for everything, just come back to me.’  
‘You know that’s not an option, Ben.’

He may have forgiven me but I hadn’t forgiven myself, I probably never would.

I guess it’s time for the truth then isn’t it? 

There was a villain in our marriage but it was never Ben, it was me.  
I was the one who pulled away from him first, who pushed him away when he tried to fix things and bring us closer again, and I was the one who fell into the arms of the first stranger who gave me attention at the party that night.

I cheated on Ben, not only did I kiss someone else and went home with him, but if Ben hadn’t walked in I know I would have seen it through and ended up in bed with the guy.  
We’ll never know that part, but deep down inside I’ve always known.

And after pulling Ben’s heart out of his chest I then stepped on it some more by just ending the marriage and leaving for London. I was a cold hearted bitch.

Now ask me again why I can’t forgive myself.

It stayed quiet on the other end of the line.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t,’ I felt the tears in the back of my eyes,’ please don’t call me again, Ben.’  
I hung up on him and put my phone away, trying to stop the tears from running down my face, when the door of the cabin opened and Tom walked in. 

No no no, this was more than I could handle on a Monday morning.

I avoided his eyes but it was too late, he could see I was close to tears.  
‘Cate?’ he asked with a worried look on his face,’ is everything okay?’  
‘No, everything is far from okay!’ I snapped and bit my lip as soon as I said it,’ I’m sorry, I just…it’s none of your concern, Tom, I’m fine.’

I tried to walk passed him and back to the carriage when the train made a sudden movement and I lost my balance. I fell forward and right into Tom, who caught me in his arms.  
I held onto him to stay on my feet but he kept his arms around me even though the train was moving normally again. I looked up into his eyes, there was that look again, I swear he could hypnotise me within seconds if he wanted to.

‘Is there anything I can do?’ he asked softly.

I felt the tears come back into my eyes and just shook my head.  
Before I could think of anything to say he pulled me close to him in a hug.   
He didn’t say anything but I could feel him breathing into my ear and I could feel his arms holding on really tight. It took me a minute to react but I finally put my arms around him and pulled him close, letting out a deep sigh of relief and letting my tears flow.

But as soon as I did my body started fighting it, I couldn’t let him see this weak side. And I definitely didn’t want him to see how much this hug meant to me, how much he meant to me and how much I wasn’t ready for any of this yet. 

I broke the hug and took a step back from him.

‘I’m fine,’ I spoke softly while I tried my best to stop crying.

‘Tell me what I can do,’ he said, still looking very worried. He took my face between his hands and softly wiped away my tears with his thumbs. The sweet, caring look on his face was enough to make me unsteady on my feet again. I needed to be in another space, preferably where he was not.

I took his hands and brought them back down while I looked into his eyes.

‘If you really want to do something to help me, you can stay away from me,’ I said and I pushed the train door open and walked back to my seat, leaving him alone. 

I sank into my seat next to Emily, who was asleep, or pretending to be asleep, which sounded like a pretty good idea to me too.


	8. The lake

After unpacking and having had lunch with Emily at the estate I started to feel a bit better. It was so beautiful and calm out here it made me let go of my stress from the past days and even forget about Ben’s phonecall for a bit.   
It was a small but well restored castle with a big garden full of flowers and even a small lake at the back of it.  
It would be perfect to represent all the romance my mother had envisioned in her novel. 

I was walking through the garden the next day while Brad was filming a scene with Emily on the terrace, Tom was nowhere to be seen.

When I strolled along the lake I came across a few benches and found someone sitting on one of them. I instantly knew who it was even from a distance, those long legs couldn’t fool anyone.  
I was contemplating walking back the way I came from but he had already seen me. He looked away after a while but it still felt rude to just leave now without saying anything so I walked up to him.

‘Can I sit with you?’ I asked him.  
‘Didn’t you want me to stay away from you?’ he threw back, not looking me in the eyes.  
I guess I deserved that, I nodded my head and was ready to walk away when he spoke again.

‘Wait,’ he looked up at me,’ please sit down.’  
‘I’m so sorry about what I said there’, I apologised,’ you were only trying to be nice.’  
‘Let me guess, you didn’t believe me,’ he sounded annoyed, like he was totally done with me, his eyes staring at the water in front of us.

‘No, I believed you this time. And I am sorry, I just had a call from my ex and you just caught me at a bad time…again.’  
There was a smile on his face now, it was small but it was enough. Thank god, he wasn’t totally done with me yet.

We both stayed quiet for a bit, there was so much I wanted to tell him but none of the words came to me in this moment and I knew whatever I said it would come out wrong anyway, so I just said nothing.  
After a while he broke the silence.

‘So you must feel right at home here, huh?’ he said.  
‘What?’  
‘The highness and her castle,’ he explained.  
‘Oh,’ I smiled as he laughed at his own joke and looked at me again. He seemed nervous, I couldn’t figure out why the hell a man like him would be nervous around me?  
‘Tom?’ I said.  
‘Cate?’  
We spoke at the same time and he looked away and smiled.  
‘I’m sorry,’ I shook my head with an embarrassed smile,’ I’m not good with…words.’

I took a deep sigh to try and calm myself down.   
Who was I kidding, I couldn’t do this, what was I even going to say to him? I want you and you’re driving me crazy but I’m such a mess it’s probably the worst idea ever?

I got up from the bench,’ I’m sorry, this is a bad idea, I don’t…just forget it.’  
I wanted to walk away but he was in front of me before I could move, grabbing my waist and staring into my eyes again.  
‘Stop running away from me, Cate,’ he said softly.

I don’t know what came over me but the next thing I knew I leaned in and put my lips on his.   
As soon as I did I thought I messed it up big time but to my surprise he didn’t back away, instead he pulled me close to him and kissed me back. 

It wasn’t like his movie kiss, this time it was intense right from the start and I had to hold onto him to keep from falling. I felt like his arms were lifting me off the ground a little bit but that was probably just my imagination. I held him close to me when I broke our kiss and we just looked at each other.

‘Listen,’ he said after he caught his breath,’ filming is done by midnight tonight, will you meet me here afterwards?’  
He took my hands into his and smiled.  
‘I…don’t know, Tom,’ I sighed,’ I…this is a lot, I’m not…’   
I bit my lip, damned why was it so hard to form a sentence?

‘Cate,’ he pulled me a bit closer to him again,’ I’ll be here, just come if you want, okay?’  
‘Okay,’ I whispered, he leaned in and kissed me again, softer this time, after which he gave me one more flirty look and walked away from me, leaving me alone in all my doubt.

I sank back down on the bench, baffled at what just happened.


	9. The doubt

As I was searching for something to wear in my room a bit later I was starting to freak out.  
Nothing in this closet was good enough for Tom Hiddleston, who am I kidding, it’s not about what I wear, it’s ME, I wasn’t good enough for Tom Hiddeston and there was nothing I could do to change that, not in one night anyway!

I was going back and forth over my decision that night, was I ready or not? Should I just give into what I was feeling or would it only lead to more heartbreak that I knew I couldn’t handle right now? 

I was obviously blinded when it came to him, my vision was blurred by my admiration for him that had been there long before I met him in person. But this wasn’t a romantic movie, this was my life and things like this did not just happen to me, I needed to lower my expectations.

It was almost midnight and I was starting to hyperventilate, I took my phone from the bed, I needed to think and my brain had completely left the building for the night so I called Amy.

‘Hi!’ her voice sounded happy and enthousiastic,’ sooo how is it going over there?’  
‘It’s fine’ I sighed.  
‘Fine?’ she asked,’ okay tell me what’s wrong’

‘He asked me to see him by the lake in about…well any minute now and I’m freaking out Amy!’ I said and I almost lost all hearing in my right ear when Amy started screaming into her phone.  
‘Stop it and help me’, I urged her,’ I don’t know what to do!’

‘It’s Tom Hiddleston!’, Amy said in disbelief,’ there’s only one thing to do, put on that black dress I put in your bag and go to him for god’s sake!’  
‘It’s not that easy’ I sighed.  
‘It’s as easy as you make it Cate’

‘It’s just…I’m setting myself up for heartbreak just thinking about it, even if very deep down he would be the least bit interested in me, I don’t deserve him, not after what I did’  
It stayed quiet on the other end of the phone and then I heard her sigh.

‘Cate please, I know what you’re doing’ she then said.  
‘What am I doing?’

‘This has nothing to do with Tom does it? This is all about you, you don’t think you deserve another shot at love because of what you did to Ben, and Tom is your perfect excuse because you can put the blame on him and not yourself’

I didn’t say anything, she hit the nail on the head and we both knew it. Believing that he was just too good for me was a lot easier than admitting I just wasn’t good enough for him, I wasn’t good enough for anyone.

‘What am I supposed to do?’ I asked.  
‘Just stop making yourself the villain in this story,’ she said,’ because you’re not. You made one mistake with Ben, he was never there for you Cate…’

‘I could have just left him you know, I didn’t have to cheat on him’ I sighed.  
‘You’re only human,’ she said,’ it was one time, you need to let it go now and forgive yourself. Go with Tom, it doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to’

‘But that’s just it, it already means everything to me Amy and I’m not sure it does to him, that’s why this is scaring me so much, it’s so soon’, I said,‘ what if I’m not ready for him?’ I asked.

‘Then that’s fine too Cate,’ she reassured me,’ you have to do what’s best for you but please, stop punishing yourself’  
I nodded my head and felt the tears at the back of my eyes.

‘Are you crying?’ Amy asked.  
‘No’ I sobbed.

‘Aw Cate,’ I could hear the sympathy in her voice which only brought more tears to my eyes,’ do you want me to come over there?’  
‘Don’t be silly, it’s past midnight,’ I said as I smiled through my tears, I knew she would jump on the first train if I asked her to.

‘Just follow your heart, and if it’s not ready to let someone else in yet, well, he’ll just have to wait until you are, and if he’s really interested he will’ she said, which made me feel a little bit better.

‘Thanks Amy, I wouldn’t know what I’d do without you’ I said as I wiped my tears away.  
‘You’d be one big bowl of miserable shit, I know’ she smiled.


	10. The betrayal

I was up early the next morning and was helping Brad by putting some props on its place on the set. The sun was just starting to rise and it made the gardens look even more beautiful.  
Did I regret my decision from last night? Part of me did, because I knew I had wanted it, wanted him, but the part that had listened to my brain was not sorry. It was too soon, I wasn’t ready for something real, the flirting and liking him from a distance was fine, but I felt myself pulling back as soon as he came too close.

I needed more time.

As I was putting flowers into a vase I could hear two of the other actrices talk.  
‘So did you hear about last night?’   
‘Of course, everybody knows by now, it’s lovely, they are so cute together!’

I don’t know why because they hadn’t even mentioned any names yet but I got chills anyway, part of me knew before they said it.  
‘Who’s cute together? Brad asked.  
‘Tom and Emily,’ one girl said,’ they were really close and making out last night, and there were no cameras in sight!’

I stopped what I was doing instantly, I would have given anything to be able to unhear that.   
So this is what it felt like to be stabbed in the back, with ten knives at the same time, and then having someone twist them around a bit in your already wounded and bleeding flesh.   
Why the fuck was this hurting me so much?

I had made my decision and was fine with it but this…

They were still giggling when I could see Tom walking onto the set. He had a serious look on his face and was avoiding looking anyone in the eyes, it was obvious something was bothering him.  
No please! I couldn’t deal with him right now!

I turned my back to him and pretended to be really busy adjusting the flowers, when someone tapped me on the shoulders.  
I turned to see his blue eyes, looking at me with a look of worry…and guilt. I knew it was true just by looking at him and I shook my head.

‘Can I just talk to you before you hear all the rumours?’ he asked.  
‘A bit late for that’ I said softly.

‘I waited for you for an hour,’ he explained,’ and then Emily walked by and we started talking, it just happened, I know that sounds like the worst thing ever to say but…  
He took a deep sigh and tried to look me in the eyes which I was doing my best to avoid.

’ I didn’t plan on this Cate,’ he continued,’ but when you didn’t turn up I thought…you weren’t interested’  
‘I kissed you!’ I whispered in anger.

‘I thought you changed your mind’ he said, now he was the one not looking me in the eyes, knowing it was a poor excuse.  
‘So you just took the next girl?’ I said, I couldn’t hide the anger in my voice anymore now  
Way to make a girl feel special Hiddles!

‘I didn’t plan on it, it just happened,’ he said,’ what was I supposed to do?’

You were supposed to wait for me, you fucker, even if it took me longer than one hour, or one day or week or month! You were supposed to want me more than that!

I looked into his eyes for a few seconds and then looked away, I’m sure he could see all the rage inside of me.  
‘I’m sorry’ he said softly.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said, I had enough of talking to him, everything he did last night just proved to me that I made the right decision, I just wanted to go but he was standing in my way,’ forget about it, Emily’s a really nice girl, she’s very right for you’  
And I’m so very wrong…

He tried to take my hand but I pulled away.

‘Are we done?’ I asked.  
‘I don’t know,’ he said as he stared into my eyes and his voice turned softer,’ are we done?’

I stared back and there they were again, those hypnotising eyes that stared into my soul, only now all I could see was those eyes working their magic on Emily.

‘Oh yeah, we are so done!’ I pushed the bunch of flowers I was holding against his chest and pushed him out of the way as I walked off the set.


	11. The (s)ex

I dragged my bag up the stairs to our loft, taking a deep breath before I turned my key into the lock, I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Amy, she would want to know everything about last night and I didn’t know if I was ready to tell it. 

I spend the whole train ride back to London hiding next to Brad and Tom had been smart enough to avoid me, I had nothing but hate left for him at this moment, that fucking asshole! 

I should have trusted my instincts better, I should have known my first impression was right but he had put a spell on me with that beautiful face and those flirty eyes and sexy voice. I had always considered myself to be anything but shallow but was that not exactly what I had been around him? Was I so misled by his looks that I saw only what I wanted to see?

I opened the door to the loft and called out for Amy, when nobody answered I felt a little bit relieved I wouldn’t have to do my whole story right away.  
My relief was gone in an instant when I saw someone sitting on the couch.  
‘Ben?!’

He got up as soon as he saw me entering the room,’ Cate…’

I dropped my bag and just looked at him, he was tall, almost as tall as Tom but his shoulders were bigger, his hair was darker and even more curly and his eyes were the exact same blue as Tom’s.  
I got lost in his eyes, which hadn’t happened for years, these eyes just traveled 4 hours just to see me, these eyes would have waited for me, even longer than 1 hour before turning to someone else. I was suddenly overwhelmed with affection for him that I had believed to be gone forever.

‘I’m sorry to drop by unannounced’ he said, his voice sounded so hesitant, like he was expecting me to kick him out any minute.  
‘Shut up’ I said as I walked closer to him.  
‘I’m sorry,’ he said,’ I thought we could talk’

‘I don’t wanna talk’ I interrupted him and I threw my arms around him and kissed him, passionately and desperately, he didn’t need any encouragement and pulled me closer right away.  
After a few heated kisses he pushed me onto the couch underneath him, I unbuttoned his shirt and threw my legs around him, making it very clear what I wanted.  
He was breathing heavily as he pulled off my shirt and his lips made their way to my neck.

‘Cate…’, he whispered,’ we should…’  
‘Don’t talk’ I said as I unzipped his jeans and kissed him again.

He stayed quiet and didn’t fight it anymore, pulling me closer with one arm and unhooking my bra with his other hand. He pushed his groin up against mine, making me moan into his ear.

We didn’t need much time, we knew each other’s movements by heart and knew exactly which buttons to push, but it hadn’t felt like this in a long time. 

I’m sure Ben would put that on our time apart but I knew the real reason, and it had nothing to do with Ben.

The real reason is that my body was with Ben but my mind was with Tom, and that’s what made it extremely difficult for me to face myself the next day. I had arranged to meet Amy for coffee in the nearest coffee house.

‘Please tell me you didn’t!’ she said in shock when I told her what happened,’ Ben? Ben?! Whatever happened to Tom?’  
‘Emily,’ I whispered,’ Emily happened to Tom’

She looked at me in shock.  
‘Because you stood him up?’ she asked.

‘Yeah apparently patience isn’t one of his strong suits either’ I sighed.  
‘I’m so sorry Cate’ she said as she gave me a sympathetic look.

‘I’m fine,’ I waved it away,’ it wasn’t meant to happen I guess’  
‘And Ben?’ she asked carefully.  
‘I snuck out before he woke up, I can’t face him now’ I said.

‘Well, do you want to get back together with him?’ Amy asked.  
‘Noo!’ I said as I shook my head and let out a deep sigh,’ I don’t think so’  
‘Oh Cate’ she sighed.

‘I know, please don’t start!,’ I raised my hand to shut her up as I took my coffee cup and got up from my chair,’ I gotta go, I’m late already’  
‘Will Tom be there today?’ she asked.

‘Yes, and so will Emily,’ I sighed as I rolled my eyes at her,’ I’m gonna need a lot more coffee to make it through this day’

‘I’m gonna want an update tonight!’ she yelled as I was already walking out of the shop.


	12. The truth

I ran up the stairs to the studios and hurried to the dressing room where Emily would be waiting for me.  
I found her sitting in her chair with her knees pulled up and her face hidden behind her long beautiful curls.

‘Good morning,’ I smiled, I was determined to act very normal towards her and not show any of the jealousy I felt deep inside,’ I’m so sorry I’m late’  
‘It’s fine’ she whispered, her voice sounded really quiet and she still hadn’t looked at me.

‘Emily?’ I asked.  
She raised her face and I could see tears running down her face.

‘Oh my god, what happened?’ I asked worried.  
‘Tom’s an asshole’ she said in an angry whisper.

Well I could have told you that weeks ago!

Her eyes looked so sad I instantly forgot my jealousy and stepped up to her, putting my hand on her shoulder.  
‘What happened?’ I asked her again but more sincere this time.

‘We had such a good time that night by the lake,’ she sobbed,’ and this morning he’s like: oh we’d better forget that ever happened, it was a mistake, I didn’t know what came over me, I’m in love with someone else, it’s not you, you are wonderful, a guy should be so lucky…’

She kept on talking but my mind had gone blank with the words ‘in love with someone else’, why did she have to say that? I was done and now she made me feel hope again, I didn’t want hope when it was just going to get crushed again.

Emily was staring at me, she had finished her rant and was expecting me to say something.

‘I’m sorry Emily,’ I said and tried to give her my most sympathetic look,’ are you okay to go on the set or should I tell them you need some more time? I can make something up’  
She smiled through her tears.

‘That’s very nice of you Cate,’ she said as she wiped her tears away,’ but I’m good, just give me 10 minutes to fix my make up, I won’t give him the satistfaction of knowing I cried for him’  
I suddenly did feel really sorry for her, she was me, he made her fall and then he just took it back, not even giving her time to react.

‘He’s an asshole’ I spat out and was shocked when I realised I said it out loud but Emily just looked at me with a smile.

‘I’m glad you’re on my side’ she said, I tried to smile but the guilt inside me was making it difficult, who’s side was I on exactly?

I locked myself in my office the rest of that day, only going on set when I really needed to and I always hurried back before I saw Tom, I couldn’t face the confrontation yet. I was being typically Cate, ignoring the problem and running from it hoping it would just go away by itself instead of facing it. Don’t judge me, it had worked for me so far.

I returned home that night to find another problem I couldn’t run from at my door: Ben. 

He was wearing his jacket and carrying his bag and suitcase, it looked like this problem was about to go away by itself.

‘You’re leaving?’ I asked.

He looked at me and put his bag down.  
‘Unless you give me a reason to stay…’ he said.

I looked away and stayed quiet.  
‘I thought so’ he nodded his head.

‘I’m sorry…last night,’ I sighed,’ it shouldn’t have happened, I used you, I’m sorry’

‘Oh I’m not,’ he said,’ I think I finally fucked you out of my system now’  
He gave me a mean look and I couldn’t blame him, I deserved everything he could throw at me.

‘Just one question,’ he said,’ is it him?’  
‘Him who?’ I asked, knowing there was no way he knew anything about Tom.

‘The guy who was here earlier looking for you’ he said.  
‘What guy?’  
‘Tall, handsome, overly polite’ he said and my heart skipped a beat.

Ben saw the shock on my face and nodded his head, realising he was right.  
‘So it is him’ he sighed.  
‘No it’s not, it’s…complicated’

‘It always is with you,’ he said as he took his bag from the ground and started walking away,’ this is what you want?’

‘I don’t know what I want Ben’ I said. That was probably the most honest answer I could give him.

‘Of course you don’t,’ he was smiling now, it was a bitter smile filled with anger,’ the day you figure out what you want…you know what, do NOT call me!’

I watched him leave, he didn’t look back at me once, it was really over now. I leaned against the door and closed my eyes.

So now what Cate?


	13. The alcohol

‘So Ben’s gone?’ Amy asked,’ forgood?’  
‘I believe so’ I said as I pulled the blanket over my legs and crawled on the couch next to her, it was Friday night and there was no filming over the weekend, I was happy to get a break from everything.

‘And Tom?’ she asked.  
‘I don’t even know anymore Amy,’ I sighed,’ I mean, this thing with Emily, if he was really into me he wouldn’t do that would he?’

She turned to me and gave me a serious look.  
‘You slept with Ben,’ she then said,’ you slept with Ben the next day knowing you were more into Tom but he wasn’t there for you, so you were angry, or sad, or just horny…’  
‘Cate!’

‘Whatever made you do it, it was nothing more than a reaction on not being able to get who you really wanted so you took the person who was available and willing,’ she continued,’ how is that different from what he did?’

Oh my god it sounded so awful when I heard her say it but she was completely right, I was no different, I had no right to be angry at him, not really.

I hid my head in my hands and let out a deep sigh before I looked at her again.

‘So you think I should forgive him?’ I asked.  
‘I didn’t say that, just pointing out the obvious’ Amy said.

‘I didn’t even see it like that,’ I admitted,’ man, I am a bitch!’  
‘No you’re not! You’re human,’ she said,’ and you know what, so is Tom! You’re not a bitch, and he probably isn’t an asshole either, we’re all just human and we mess up and sometimes people get hurt, even the ones we love’

I nodded my head, she was right about everything, but it still didn’t help me decide what I should do now.  
‘So what now?’ I asked and I looked at her, my eyes must have looked really desperate because she gave me the sweetest smile and got up from the couch while she pulled my blanket away.

‘Now we party,’ she said,’ get up, we’re going out’  
‘Noooo,’ I protested,’ this couch is cozy and warm, and not filled with people’

‘Do you want to sit here and cry over Tom or do you want to have some fun for a change and forget about him for a while?’ she asked.  
I looked at her and showed her my sad face,’ I want to sit here and cry over him’

‘Get up!’ she yelled as she pulled my leg and forced me out of the couch.

***

About an hour later we were walking the streets of London on our way to one of Amy’s regular spots, I had never really went out in the city and though part of me really prefered staying in the safety of our loft, it felt nice to dress up and actually leave the house on a Friday night.

Amy took my arm as we walked into the bar, it was very crowded and all the tables were already fully seated, we found a spot close to the dance floor and ordered our drinks. After a few cocktails I loosened up a little bit, Amy even got me out on the dancefloor. 

It actually felt nice to be able to dance and just let go, me and Amy used to do this every weekend but then she moved and I got married and there were no more girls nights out.

Amy was dancing with some guy and I was making my way back to the bar when I saw him standing by one of the tables beside the dancefloor.   
He was wearing a grey suit and was leaning against the table with his legs crossed and a drink in his hand, and a big grin on his face when he noticed me.

Are you fucking kidding me?! I rolled my eyes as I walked up to him.  
‘Should I get a restraining order?’ I asked.  
‘Should I?’ he laughed,’ you’re the one who’s stalking me!’

‘Trust me, if I knew you’d be here I wouldn’t have come!’ I said, I was surprised at how angry my voice sounded.  
Tom raised his hands in defense,’ I was kidding Cate, will you let me buy you a drink? Please?’

‘Fine’ I whispered, I needed a drink more than anything, even if it was coming from him, the ones I had earlier were starting to wear off. 

He came back after a few minutes and handed me a glass of wine.  
‘I wasn’t sure what you liked’ he said with an uncertain look in his eyes.

Alcohol, I like alcohol!

‘This is fine’ I said as I took the glass from his hands and took a sip right away.  
‘You were pretty good out there on the dancefloor,’ he said, I tried to avoid his gaze but I felt him looking at me,’ and you look really nice’ 

His face was closer to mine now.

‘Were you at my apartment the other day?’ I asked him.  
‘I came looking for you but you weren’t there,’ he explained,’ I met Ben though’  
‘Yeah, I heard,’ I sighed.

‘I wanted to apologize for the other night, the whole thing with Emily,’ he said,’ it shouldn’t have happened, it was a mistake…’

‘Tom,’ I interrupted him,’ I can’t do this with you right now okay, I just wanna have a night out with my friend, can you just…not’  
He looked away and nodded his head.

‘If that’s what you want’ he said and he took his drink and left for the bar. 

God why was it always so difficult with him? Part of me wanted him out of my face and another part wished he would never leave again. 

I needed more alcohol.


	14. The confession

I smiled when I saw Amy coming towards me with 2 drinks in her hand.

‘I thought you might want one of these,’ she said as she handed me a cocktail,’ you okay?’  
‘Yep,’ I drank the remainder of the wine Tom gave me and then took a sip from the cocktail,’ let’s dance’

I pulled her with me on the dancefloor, I just wanted to disappear into the music, the night and the alcohol and not think about anything, and especially not about Tom and his dreamy blue eyes.  
And it worked for a few hours, me and Amy just danced into the night, but the longer I was on the dance floor the more things started to become blurry, I wasn’t used to the alcohol and though I knew I wasn’t completely drunk, I wasn’t entirely sober either.

Amy had gone off with the same guy that was hanging around her the whole night as I made my way back to the bar. 

It was even crowdier now and I had to fight my way through the crowd, pushing people aside as I suddenly found myself face to face with him again, the crowd around us was still pushing and I was practically forced into his arms.

‘Oh bloody hell’ I sighed, he noticed I had trouble standing up straight and he took my arm.  
‘Are you allright?’ Tom asked,’ do you wanna get out of here?’  
‘No,’ I said firmly,’ no I don’t!’

But he didn’t let go of me and gave me a worried look.

‘What do you want to do?’ he asked.  
‘I want to keep drinking untill your face doesn’t look so pretty anymore’ I said as I pushed him in the chest with my finger.   
No no no don’t say that out loud Cate! 

I guess I was more than a little drunk.   
Oh God, the alcohol messed me up, my mouth didn’t have a filter anymore, stuff was coming out that should have stayed in there.  
He just smiled at me.

‘I don’t think you understand the concept of alcohol’ he said as he brought his head closer to mine, whispering into my ear now,’ if you keep drinking you’ll never be able to resist me’  
Oh if only he knew how far beyond that point I was already, a few drinks really wouldn’t matter!

‘Come on,’ he said as he put his hands on my shoulders and started pushing me towards the exit of the bar,’ I’m getting you out of here’

It was a warm night outside, Tom stayed closed to me as I tried my best to walk in a straight line, I hadn’t drank this much in a very long time. I didn’t want him here, but I also didn’t trust myself to make my way home safely.   
I didn’t speak for a while, I was scared if I opened my mouth I would say one inappropiate thing after another and I’d regret it all later.

After walking for a while I started to feel dizzy again, we passed along the water and I grabbed the side of the bridge and stood still for a while as I closed my eyes.  
‘Are you okay?’ he asked.

‘Just give me a minute’ I sighed as I breathed in and out and I opened my eyes again, staring right at his face.   
He was standing right in front of me now and had his hands on my waist.

‘Are you gonna be sick?’ he asked with a worried look on his face.  
‘I’m not gonna be sick!’ I said annoyed,’ I’m just…sick of you, with your perfect face and the way you look at me and make me feel things I don’t wanna feel! And I hate that you’re an asshole and I still like you so much!’

Stop! Stop talking right now!  
But it was too late, I was pouring my heart out and I couldn’t stop it anymore.

‘I’ve been in love with you for so long’ I said as I put my head against his chest. I could feel him stroking my hair.  
‘A month isn’t that long’ he said softly.

‘I’ve been crazy about you for much longer than one month,’ I confessed and I laughed at myself,’ and I have no idea why I’m saying all of this to you, I don’t even know why you’re here, with me, you could have taken any girl in there, I’ve seen them eyeing you, and they were a lot prettier than I am, why me?’

‘Do you think I’m that shallow?’ he asked surprised.  
‘I don’t know, do I?’ I sighed and I hid my face in my hands but he grabbed them and held them down, looking into my eyes.   
‘Forget it, I don’t know what I’m saying,’ I said,’ it’s the booze talking’

He nodded his head with a smile while he took off his jacket and put it around my shoulders.  
‘Come on, I’m walking you home’ he said softly.

‘My appartment is an hour away from here,’ I said,’ you don’t have to…’  
‘Not your appartment,’ he interrupted me,’ MY home’

Oh…


	15. The one

I woke up in a nice big comfortable bed, the sheets smelled like they were freshly washed. I rubbed my eyes and saw a few rays of sunlight coming through the white long curtains.  
Wait just a second…this was not my bed, this was also not Amy’s bed. I tried to recall the events of the night before, all I remembered was dancing, and alcohol, lots and lots of it.

We were in the bar and, there was some guy hanging around Amy and…Tom…holy fuck!!! 

I shot up in the bed and looked beside me, it was empty, I looked under the sheets, I was still wearing my underwear, maybe nothing happened. But why was I in his bed then?

Oh stupid brain don’t leave me now! Remember, remember!

I fell back down on the bed, I couldn’t remember anything past dancing and meeting Tom again at the bar.   
This was typical, I may have spent the night with the most attractive man I ever met but I may never remember any of it, if there is a God he is a cruel motherfucker.

I got out of the bed and was relieved to see the rest of my clothes hanging on a chair beside the bed, I could see a door that lead to what appeared to be a bathroom, I took a quick shower and put my clothes back on.

I closed the bedroom door behind me and came into a hallway, I walked downstairs and felt my heart racing, was I really in Tom Hiddleston’s house?

I could smell coffee, and eggs and toast, following the smell I entered a kitchen and had to catch my breath for a minute when I saw him.  
However good he looked in a suit I think I prefered this look above anything else, he was wearing long black boxers and a t-shirt, his hair was messy and he had a bit of stubble on his face, as if he just got out of bed, the same bed I was in?

‘Goodmorning,’ he smiled when he saw me,’ are you hungry?’  
‘Not really’ I said as I sat down at one of the kitchen stools, he looked relaxed and happy, without a care in the world, the same couldn’t be said about me.

He put a cup of coffee in front of me and took a seat beside me, I almost felt scared to look him in the eyes.

‘Tom,’ I asked quietly,’ did we…?’  
‘You don’t remember?’ he asked.  
I shook my head.

‘Nothing?’ he asked again.  
‘Nothing’ I admitted.  
‘Well,’ he said,’ that surprises me cause some of the stuff we did…my God!’

No no no this wasn’t happening!  
I covered my face in my hands.

‘No I’m sorry I can’t do it,’ he took my hand and looked at me,’ nothing happened Cate, really’  
‘Don’t do that to me!’ I said as I hit his arm but I was more relieved than I was angry.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said again,’ you were totally out of it, I wouldn’t do that. When I sleep with you I want you to be present’  
‘When?’ I said surprised.

‘If!’ he said, too quickly,’ I meant if…if I ever were to sleep with you’  
He looked away, I couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he actually seemed embarassed. 

‘You should really eat something’ he said as he got up and went back to the counter, creating some distance between us and putting the eggs on a plate.  
‘Maybe later,’ I said,’ can I ask you one thing Tom?’

He turned around and looked at me,’ anything’  
‘Why me?’ I asked,’ Why do you keep paying attention to me? Why did you take care of me last night? Why me when you could have anyone?’  
‘You asked me that question last night’ he said.

‘Well I don’t remember your answer since I was so fucking wasted!’ I sighed in anger,’ sorry…can you just answer me again?’

‘I never answered,’ he said as he came closer and turned my chair towards him, putting his hands on my knees and staring into my eyes,’ this is exactly why, you say things no other girl would say to me, and you make me nervous, and you’re so damn unimpressed by everything I say or do…’  
I wanted to say something but he raised his hand.

I wasn’t unimpressed at all!

‘Your time to answer my question,’ he said as he stared deeper into my eyes,’ do you still hate me?’

‘I never hated you,’ I sighed,’ okay that’s a lie, I did in the very beginning, you were such an arrogant ass! But then…what I hated most was the fact that even though I really wanted to I couldn’t hate you, and I hated that I couldn’t hate you because I was already so very much in love with you.’

That was it, the whole truth, it was his move now and though part of me feared I had crossed a line that would push him away forever, I was also relieved that I just said it, that it was all out now.

I was almost afraid to raise my eyes and look at him but all I saw was a big smile on his face as he pulled me off my chair into his arms.

‘I was hoping you would say that’ he said as his lips found mine, there was no hesitation in this kiss, I wanted him and for the first time I wanted him to know I wanted him. I let my hands go through his messy hair and pulled him close to me while we kissed. 

They say the best kisses are the ones that make you forget about everything else around you, well this one definately qualified, my mind went completely blank under his touch. 

His lips, his hands, his tongue, he was all over me and I never wanted him to stop.   
He put me back on the kitchen stool, pushing his whole body against me while doing so and pulling my legs around him, his eyes found mine and I knew it in the way he looked at me, I was done for, there was no way back now.

‘Am I going too fast?’ he asked under his heavy breath while caressing my neck with his lips.

‘You’re going just right,’ I whispered in a smile,’ just…don’t start something you don’t want to finish’  
‘Oh I intend to finish it’ he said was he gave me that look again, I swear he could get me off without even touching me.

I pulled off his shirt and let my hands run over his bare chest, he had just the right amount of muscle, not too much and not too skinny either, had I really expected anything else?

His hands were under my shirt making their way to my breasts, I was suddenly very aware of all the clothes making their way to the floor, I hesitated, it was just for a hint of a moment but he noticed and slowed things down, pulling me close to him while looking me in the eyes.  
‘Do you want to stop?’ he asked softly.

‘No,’ I said,’ I really don’t, it’s just…’  
I looked around at the kitchen with our breakfast still on the counter, the big windows that let in way too much light and open doors that led to the garden and the hallway.

He nodded his head as he took my hand, we walked to the bedroom without saying a word, never letting go of each other. 

Tom closed the door behind us and closed the curtains, making the room only slightly darker as the sun still made their way through it but it was better, more than better, it was perfect.

He took my hand and pulled me close to him, slowly taking off the rest of the clothes I was still wearing and I did the same to him, our eyes stayed locked the entire time, I was drowning in a sea of blue and the soft expression on his face made me melt even more, no one had ever looked at me like that. 

When we were naked he kissed me again as our hands began to explore, I shivered at the feeling of his naked body against mine and felt him grow hard under my touch.   
He pushed me down on the bed and this time I didn’t hesitate and pulled him on top of me, we didn’t stop kissing and his hands seemed to be everywhere, making me dizzy with every touch. 

He took control, holding me down on the bed as he entered me and made me scream his name. I held on to him so tight as we found our rhytm and I heard him moaning into my ear, his eyes were searching for mine as we melted into each other, both letting go of everything we held back for too long. 

I felt his whole body go weak into my arms afterwards as he laid down beside me, holding me close as I kissed him again.   
‘Stay,’ he whispered,’ stay here with me Cate’  
‘As long as you want’ I said softly.


	16. The bubble

I walked the streets of London with a huge smile on my face a few weeks later. 

Yes I know, it was very unlike me to feel like this and even more unlike me to also want to show it to the world but I felt like I was 16 years old and experiencing love for the first time, because that is exactly what it felt like.     
Of course I had been in love before, and had boyfriends before, not many I admit, but enough to know, I thought, but being with Tom changed it all, I had never really known anything.  

I was walking on a cloud, the world looked different all of a sudden, better, nicer, more beautiful and even the rain didn’t bother me anymore. I knew it wouldn’t last but I was happy to stay in this bubble for as long as it lasted. 

Both me and Tom decided to keep quiet about us for now, first of all because we didn’t yet now what it all meant but mostly because I didn’t want to upset Emily or cause tension on the set.   
And I had to admit, all the sneaking around just added more to the excitement. 

Most days I couldn’t wait for the evening to start just so I would be able to touch him again without having to hold back.   
 How I was even getting any work done was beyond me.  

That morning I had been making phone calls and arranging interviews for Emily since I came in, I had just brought her lunch and I was getting coffee for Brad at the catering table when all of a sudden Tom stood beside me, there was nobody else around the coffee machine and he gave me a flirty smile.    
‘Morning my highness’ he said.   
‘Hi,’ I smiled,’ did you miss me?’   
‘You have no idea’ he whispered while he brought his head closer to mine and leaned against my body for a second, I could feel his hand stroking my back and his eyes were giving me that irresistible stare. 

‘Be careful!’ I said as I moved back a little,’ I’ve seen Brad looking at us earlier, I’m sure he’s onto us’  
  ‘Don’t worry about him Cate, but you’re right,’ he said, acting all serious and stepping away from me,’ meet me in your office for lunch’ 

He walked away and I couldn’t hide the smile on my face. I jumped up when I heard Brad yelling from the other side of the set,’ Cate where is that coffee?!’

***

  I opened the door to my office a little bit later and felt my heart stop when someone grabbed my arm and pulled me inside, closing the door behind me.   
He looked at me with a mischievious smile on his face.    
‘You should really lock this place if you’re not here’ he said.   
‘And you should stop giving me a heart attack!’ I sighed, he was pushing me against the door and leaned in to kiss me, making me forget about everything in an instant, I threw my arms around him and disappeared into his embrace. 

I still had to pinch myself daily to believe this wasn’t all a dream, that he was actually mine, and that he turned out to be anything but the asshole I imagined him to be since our first meeting, my first impression couldn’t have been more wrong.  

This is what the next 2 months looked like, secret little meetings in my office, a few stolen looks on the set and some long nights at Tom’s house.  I wished it would never end, I was the happiest I had been in a very long time, he had become such an important part of my life in such a short time.   

But that was also the part that terrified me, I had never fallen so hard or been in this deep with anyone, this man was worse than a drug, I had never been so hooked on anything before, and while it looked like he felt exactly the same, some part of me still believed I didn’t deserve any of it and one of these days he would come to his senses and realise that he could do better, way better than me. 

  I was walking into the set that morning, filming was coming to an end, I still couldn’t believe the past months flew by so quickly.   
Aside from meeting Tom, this job had been the best job I ever had, I enjoyed working with Emily and being part of creating something that would bring a lot of people joy, even though I had nothing to do with creating the movie itself the whole crew felt like one big family in which every member contributed to the final product and that was the best feeling.   
  I wasn’t ready for it to end and was trying to enjoy every minute of these last weeks.

  I had just finished giving Emily the planning of the day when we were both having coffee in her dressing room.   
‘Can I ask you something?’ she asked as she pulled her legs up on her chair and looked at me,’ it’s kinda personal’   
‘I guess… sure’ I said.   
‘Do you know what you’re doing?’ she asked, the way she said it gave me goosebumps.  

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.   
‘With Tom’ she said.   
So it wasn’t Brad who was onto us…fuck how did she know?  

‘With…what now?’ I said shocked.   
‘I’m not blind Cate, I’ve seen the way he looks at you and the smiles’ she said.  
 ‘I thought we were being careful’ I sighed.   
‘You are,’ she reassured me,’ but I notice these things’  

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,’ I said,’ we didn’t want to tell anyone and..’   
‘It’s okay,’ she said with a smile,’ don’t worry, I’ve been over him for a long time. I’m happy for you guys, he looks really happy’ 

Hearing her say that brought a smile to my face.   
‘And so do you,’ Emily smiled,’ I just want to warn you, dating an actor isn’t easy, trust me I know’    
I leaned against the desk as I looked at her.

 ‘We’re doing a good job hiding it, keeping everything private’ I said.  
 ‘Oh I’m not even talking about that yet,’ she said,’ though that can be the hardest thing of all. I meant just having the relationship, have you guys talked about what’s gonna happen after the movie?’    
‘No…,’ I said softly,’ we haven’t… I guess we’re just enjoying what we have now and not really looking any further’

 ‘That’s good,’ she said,’ that’s the way to look at it, because if you guys are really serious it might become a problem, you know with him travelling so much. I’m sorry, I know I sound like an interfering bitch, I just want you to know what you’re in for. I got hurt pretty bad by my last boyfriend when his career lifted off, I went from being his everything to nothing, having to take a backseat time after time, after a few months I wasn’t even in the car anymore’ 

She was quiet and I could see the pain of memories in her eyes.   
‘I wouldn’t wish that on anyone’ she said softly.   
I nodded my head as I watched her leave the room.  

Her words left a horrible feeling in my gut, we hadn’t talked about the future, I thought because we were very much living in the present and there was no need to, but now I thought maybe there were other reasons why we hadn’t touched on that subject.   

What if right now was all we would ever have?  I tried to ignore it but it was too late, the seed was planted and I could feel the first crack in my perfect bubble.    
 


	17. The talk

I was walking up to the rooftop terras of Tom’s house, it was our favourite hang out on those warm summer nights, after a busy day on the set this was our sanctuary, all we needed was each other and the quiet of the night under the stars.  

But that night I was more quiet than usual, and of course he noticed. 

We both took a seat on the cushions on the floor after dinner when he took my glass and put it aside, taking my hands and pulling me closer to him, a serious expression on his face.  

‘Okay start talking,’ he said,’ what’s wrong?’   
‘Nothing’ I sighed, I didn’t even know how to start this conversation.

 ‘You really believe I don’t know you better than that by now?’ he said.

  I squeezed his hands and shook my head.  
 ‘It’s just something Emily said today,’ I confessed,’ about dating an actor and the life that goes with it’   
I could see the surprise on his face.

 ‘Yeah she knows about us’ I said.   
He just nodded his head.   
‘I figured,’ he said.  

‘And we haven’t talked about it Tom,’ I continued,’ what happens when filming is over? What happens next week?’   
‘With us?’ he asked as he sat closer to me,’ Cate, nothing’s gonna change for us’  
 ‘That’s sweet,’ I said,’ but I’m being serious, what’s your next project and is it even in England?’  

He didn’t answer right away and his eyes looked away for a second, it told me all I needed to know.  
 ‘Be honest with me, please’ I asked, the last thing I needed was him telling me what I wanted to hear.

  ‘Okay,’ he said as he took a deep breath,’ okay, you’re right, I’ve been avoiding it for a bit, I just… everything is perfect right now, with you, with us’   
He gave me a little smile.  
  ‘I didn’t want to think about anything else yet,’ he confessed,’ but you’re right, things are going to change and I can’t stop that. I’m going to LA in 2 weeks Cate’ 

My heart sank, I had expected something like this but it still shook me, 2 weeks…  
  ‘There’s some promo work and a new movie in one month,’ he continued,’ I’ll be there for at least 9 months’

 I nodded my head and avoided his eyes, I wished I never brought it up now and just enjoyed our last weeks together, it was all messed up now.   
I could feel him slipping through my hands.  

As if he had read my mind he took my hands and brought them to his chest. 

Of all the things I expected him to say in that moment, what he actually said wasn’t one of them… 

‘I was hoping you would just come with me’ he said softly.  

***

  Amy brought her hands to her face in shock when I told her what he said.   
‘Oh my god Cate!’ she smiled,’ he is serious, I thought you guys would just have a few great months and that would be it but this is real’ 

‘It’s always been real,’ I protested,’ for me anyway, and I guess… now I know it’s real for him too’  

We were sitting in the kitchen of the loft while drinking coffee.  
 ‘So how do you feel about this?’ she asked,’ are you going to LA with him?’   
‘I don’t know!’ I said in all honesty,’ It’s very soon for such a big decision. I’m not… I don’t know if I can be that girl, just follow him wherever he goes, travel all the time, I’m not the adventurous type Amy, London was my big adventure, this is my new home and I like it here’  

‘I guess you have to ask yourself what you want more,’ she said,’ however much you want Tom…is that the life you want?’

  I couldn’t give her an answer, with all my heart, and body, I wanted Tom by my side, but I wanted him here.

  I buried my head in my hands and laid it down on the kitchen counter when someone rang the doorbell.

 ‘I’ll get it,’ Amy said and she patted me on the back as she passed me,’ you’ll figure it out’ 

Amy opened the door and stared right into Tom’s blue eyes and friendly smile.    
‘Hi, you must be Amy,’ he said as he shook her hand,’ I’m Tom’  
 ‘Oh my fuck!’ she gasped,’ sorry!’

  I couldn’t help but smile, Amy did not lose her cool, ever! But this was Tom Hiddleston and I was a little bit glad to see that even she wasn’t immune to him.  
 ‘Hi,’ she smiled,’ yes sorry, I’m Amy, I wasn’t expecting…you’

 ‘Is Cate here?’ he asked.   
‘Yes she’s in the kitched,’ she said,’ come in’  

She let him go through as she walked behind him and I could see her lips forming ‘Oh my God’ without making any sound.  
 ‘I’ll let you guys talk’ she said as she discretely slipped out of the room.  

Tom came closer and smiled, it was a little smile full of insecurity and it only made me want him more.   
‘Hey’ he said softly.   
‘Hey, what are you doing here?’ I asked.

  ‘I thought it was about time I met your roommate’ he said.  
 ‘I apologise in advance for her’ I said and he smiled, standing right in front of me now.  

Our eyes locked and all the words I had ready escaped my mind, all I could do was pull him close to me, he put his arms around me and rested his head against mine as he closed his eyes, we just held each other for a few minutes without saying a word.  

Who was I kidding? I would go to America for him, I would even go to the moon or some other abandoned planet for him.   
As long as it had air and food and water, all I needed to survive was him.  

That is what it came down to, I would follow him to the other end of the world, because I loved him… I loved him…oh fuck!


	18. The offer

It happened before I even realised it, two weeks went by like it was nothing, and here we were, on the last day of filming. 

There was a sense of accomplishment and contentment but also an obvious sadness hanging over the set that morning.   
Everyone was just a little nicer to each other, even Brad was walking around hugging people.  I sat in one of the chairs watching the latest scene that was being filmed, it wasn’t the happy ending you would expect, that had already been filmed a few weeks back, this was a random scene of Tom and Emily having a conversation at the kitchen table.  

When the last ‘Cut’ was yelled I could see a few tears on Emily’s face that she quickly wiped away. People were starting to say their goodbyes as she walked up to me.  

‘Can I come by your office a little later?’ she asked after she gave me a hug.   
‘Sure,’ I’ll be here for a few more hours’ I said.  

She nodded and left and I could see Tom coming towards me.   
He startled me by throwing his arms around me and pulling me into a hug. 

I hugged him back but was almost afraid to move or touch him too much.   
‘What are you doing?’ I whispered into his ear.  
  ‘I’m saying goodbye to my co-star’s assistent’ he said with an innocent smile on his face, as he let me go and started making his way around the rest of the crew, saying goodbye to each and every one of them personally.  

I shook my head smiling, he really was too good to be true, the man I saw now could not have been further away from the asshole than run into my umbrella that first day.

***

A few hours later I was cleaning out my desk when Emily came in. 

‘Hi, are you all set?’ I asked.  
 ‘Ready to go,’ she said,’ well, ready is a big word’

  ‘I know,’ I sighed with a little smile,’ I’m so sad it’s over, I loved working with these people, and with you’

 ‘I’m glad to hear you say that,’ she smiled,’ because I have an offer for you’

  I stopped what I was doing and looked up at her.  
 ‘An offer?’ I asked. 

‘I just signed a deal with BBC for a new tv series, filming starts in 2 months’ she explained. 

‘That’s great, congratulations!’  
 ‘Thank you,’ she said,’ the thing is… I don’t have an assistent’

 Is she saying what I think she’s saying?

  ‘I was hoping to hire you fulltime as my personal assistent Cate,’ she continued,’ if you want to of course’

 I opened my mouth but no sound came through.  
  ‘I know you want to stay in London, which is what I want too,’ she stated her case,’ the show is being filmed not far from here, if it does well we could be looking at multiple seasons, I have a play in the West End coming up in the new year. It’s going to be really busy and I could really use you here’

  I nodded my head.  
 ‘You don’t have to answer right away,’ she said,’ but please do think about it.’  

I didn’t want to think about it, my decision was made, I would go where Tom goes, but then why was I thinking about it? 

Why did Emily’s offer sound like the dreamjob I so desperately wanted?  

***

I was cutting vegetables in our kitchen that evening, waiting for Amy to come home. My thoughts were all over the place. 

I had never considered myself to be ambitious but I had just come out of a marriage where it had always been about him and his job, Ben was the one who made the big money, I was always the one taken care of, always depending on him.

  If my recently acquired freedom had taught me anything, it was that I actually really liked being independent and able to take care of everything myself. 

And however much I loved Tom part of me just wasn’t ready to give that up yet.


	19. The despair

I knew I had to tell Tom, but every time I was with him I lost my nerve and didn’t want to ruin the moment, so I just didn’t say anything, hoping for a better day or a better time which of course would never come.

 It wasn’t until a few days before he had to leave that I finally managed to pour my heart out to him.  

We were in his bedroom after a night out, since we were still hiding our relationship that meant rushing out of a taxi and having dinner in a restaurant that was reserved only for us.    
Of course it was very romantic but it also felt very unreal to me, I never actually stopped to think about how life was for him and how certain things that I just took for granted were a big deal in his life, like just going to the grocery store without having people come up to you or stare at you, or worse follow you around like a stalker, taking pictures when you really didn’t want them to.  

I was staring at Tom out of the corner of my eye, damn the man looked good in a suit.    
He threw his tie on the chair and was unbuttoning his shirt when he caught me looking at him, which brought a smile to his face.

  He walked up to me and let his hand slide across my back, even though we’d been together for a while now he could still make me shiver with one small touch.   
 He unzipped my dress with his other hand as his lips found my neck. I pulled him close to me as I closed my eyes and melted under his touch.  
 Great I’ll never be able to say what I need to say now!  

But as he pulled my dress down I found my strength and stopped him by grabbing his hands and taking a step back from him, if I didn’t say it now I never would.  

‘Tom wait,’ I said,’ I need to talk to you first’ 

He looked surprised as I closed up the zipper of my dress and pulled it up.   
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked.

 I took a seat on the side of the bed and looked up at him standing in front of me. 

‘I’m sorry… I can’t go to America with you’ I said.  
  He nodded his head and I could see the disappointment on his face. 

‘I thought I could but I don’t think I can,’ I expained,’ this is the first time I am on my own and in control of my own life, not depending on anyone and… I need this, more than anything’   
‘More than you need me’ he said, it wasn’t even a question but a statement.

  ‘No that’s not…not what I meant,’ I sighed as I stared at him, his eyes made me wish I could take it all back. 

‘I didn’t know how to tell you’ I continued.   
‘So what does that mean Cate? he asked,’ What do you want?’

  ‘I… don’t know’ I admitted,’ but I know I want to stay here, London is my home now’  
 ‘London will always be my home too’ he said.

 ‘I know that but half of the time you won’t be here’ I said.   He looked away, knowing he couldn’t deny it was the truth. 

‘I just don’t know if I can do the long distance thing,’ I said in all honesty,’ and I don’t know if that’s what I want’ 

He was quiet now.

  ‘Do you still want me?’ he then asked.

 I looked up at him, his long legs in the black suit and white shirt that was hanging open and showing me a bit of skin, his perfect face with a few freckles and a little bit of stubble, his blue eyes that now looked sad into mine and his hair that was even more curly from walking in the rain earlier.   
Oh I would always want him.

 I stood up so I could look deeper into his eyes. 

‘Yes,’ I said softly,’ I want you’

  He took my head between his hands and kissed me, it was a deep and desperate kiss and it swept me off my feet.  

Within seconds my dress was on the floor and his hands were everywhere, I forced him out of his jacket and shirt as his lips found their way to my neck again while he pulled me close to him, one arm around my waist as his other hand was holding my head against his while his fingers were stroking my hair. 

  I wanted to feel every part of him against my skin and buried my nails into his back, making him breathe faster as he unzipped his pants and helped me on the bed.    
The last of our clothes were torn off in a hurry, we had shared the bed several times by now but it had never been like this. 

  My words had placed a sadness between us, we both knew that it might all be over soon but neither of us was ready for it so we clung onto each other, desperately holding onto our last bit of hope that we could still make it work and we would get through this even though the odds were against us. 

  I had never needed him as much as I did in that moment.  His eyes found mine as I pulled him on top of me and my eyes were begging him to enter me, when he finally did I could see his eyes closing as we both fought for air and release. 

It was the most intense feeling I had ever experienced and it made me question everything again.  

I laid next to him for the next hours, just staring into his eyes and feeling his naked body against mine.  

Reality seemed far away and though I knew it was inevitable, I wanted to stay in this bubble for as long as possible.  

Just me and him, please just let me disappear into his eyes a little while longer.  

But then he touched my face and pulled me close while he placed his lips on mine and kissed me softly, I didn’t know what came over me but the words jumped out and there was no way I could have stopped them.  

‘I love you’ I whispered.


	20. The big picture

'I love you' I whispered.

‘Don’t’ he said.

  I tried to pull him closer to me but he slipped from my arms and out of the bed, pulling me out of the heavenly bubble and throwing me back into this cold reality with that one word and one move.  

He put on his pants and I could see his face looked angry but he refused to look me in the eyes.  I slipped out of the bed on the other side and put on one of his t-shirts that was hanging on a chair.

‘You don’t get to do that Cate,’ he continued,’ you don’t get to say the things you said before and now say this, you can’t do that to me’ 

‘I’m… sorry,’ I said,’ I wasn’t thinking…I…’  
  ‘Just go’ he said firmly. 

‘We should talk about this’ I insisted. 

‘Why?’ he said,’ You know how I feel and as long as you don’t know what you want there’s nothing more to say’

  I bit my lip but couldn’t think of anything.

 ‘It’s not that hard Cate, you either want to stay in this relationship or you don’t, but there’s no inbetween,’ he said as he looked at me for the first time,’ that doesn’t work for me’

 ‘You’re right,’ I said softly as I walked to the bathroom and took my clothes, giving him one last look,’ I’ll go’

***

 The next few days were horrible, I didn’t see or hear Tom again and to make things worse since filming was done I had nothing to do to distract me from this aching feeling in my heart. 

I just hung around the loft feeling miserable and sorry for myself, and driving Amy crazy.

 I didn’t want to talk about it anymore either, my heart was screaming at me to just go with him but my brain was yelling that I would regret it as soon as I did, which I knew was true. 

So I just kept wallowing in my misery, not talking, not getting angry and not even crying, well that lasted until Saturday night, the night I knew Tom was leaving for LA.

  I was sitting on the couch with Amy watching tv but my mind was somewhere else. I jumped up when she threw a pillow at me. 

‘Enough!’ she said in a loud voice,’ enough already, I can’t deal with you anymore if you’re like this’

 ‘What?’ I asked, trying to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about.   
‘Why don’t you just pack your bag and go with him?’ she said.

 ‘You know why not’ I sighed.  
 ‘Who says it has to be so black and white Cate? You say you can’t do the long distance thing but how do you know if you don’t even try?’ she insisted.

 ‘Because if I try and it doesn’t work…’, I sighed,’ it will hurt a lot more than it does now and I don’t know if I can take it, it would kill me’ ‘It’s killing you now!’ she threw back at me. 

Yes tell me something I don’t know!

  She turned to me and sighed.  
 ‘Look Cate, ultimately it’s your decision,’ she continued,’ but I’m gonna kick myself later if I don’t kick you right now for making a huge mistake. Whatever it is that you guys need to work out, those are details in the big picture no?’

 ‘Are they?’ I asked,’ next thing you’ll say is love conquers all and if you love each other nothing else matter and that all sounds great in movies but this is reality and I just don’t believe in that Amy’  

‘Okay let me put it this way,’ she continued,’ You’ve had the guy that was with you every day, that had the 9 to 5 job and came home every night to be with you but did that make you happy? No it didn’t! Because those things don’t matter if it’s not the right guy, but if you have the right guy…those things are nothing Cate, you work around that, that’s nothing if you really honestly love him’

  I nodded my head, as usual she was starting to make a lot of sense.

 ‘And you do right?’ she asked, sounding calmer now.   
‘Yes,’ I nodded my head,’ I love him more than anything’

 Saying it out loud brought tears to my eyes.

  ‘Good,’ she said,’ now let me paint you another picture, he’s getting on that plane tonight and if you let him that’s it, it will be over, you’ll stay in London and have full control over your life, but you’ll lose him forever, are you okay with that scenario?’  

I looked at her and felt my tears fall now. 

No! No I was far from okay with that scenario! Suddenly the idea of never seeing him again, hear his voice or be able to touch him again tore my heart. 

  ‘Nope,’ I said as I wiped my tears,’ No I’m not okay with that, I’m not okay…’

 I was crying again and Amy put her arms around me.

 ‘Then let’s go get him!’ she said with a little smile.  
 


	21. The Chase

So once again I found myself in the middle of my own romantic comedy, and of course it had to end with the big chase where one of the lovers had to prove their love to the other by giving a big heartfelt speech or making a big romantic gesture.   

Yeah I wasn’t sure rushing to the airport at the last minute would count as a big romantic gesture and I had no such speech ready, on the contrary I had absolutely no clue what I would say or do when I saw him, all I knew was I couldn’t let him slip through my hands again.   

Amy was right, as usual, life wasn’t black or white, staying in London alone or going to America and be with Tom were not my only options. 

Being in a relationship didn’t mean automatically giving up your independence, there was a whole lot of grey and I knew somewhere in there me and Tom should be able to find some common ground if we really wanted to, if he still wanted to…

‘Faster faster!’ Amy was yelling at the cab driver, who must have been sick of us the moment we stepped into his cab, we both had done nothing but crying and screaming the entire time.  

Okay to be fair I did most of the crying and Amy hadn’t stopped screaming.

 ‘You can pass that bike come on, you’re not even trying!’ she was yelling as she hit the chair in front of her.   
I took her hand and shook my head.

 ‘If he throws us out we’ll never get there in time, please’ I begged her. 

She bit her lip and stayed quiet.  

We arrived at London Heathrow about 15 minutes before Tom’s plane would take off, but we had no idea where the terminal was or how to get there.

 ‘What do we do?’ I asked Amy.  
 ‘You try and call him’ she said as she rushed to an information desk.

 My hands were shaking so much it took me several tries to find Tom’s number in my phone but I eventually managed, it went straight to voicemail. 

‘Damned!’ I yelled in anger. 

I tried again but it was the same thing, I threw my phone back into my bag and hurried over to Amy.

 ‘Terminal 1!’ she yelled at me,’ but it’s all the way over there’  

She was already running and I just followed her, if this was up to me and my coordination Tom would be lost to me forever but Amy seemed to know where she was going.

 It felt like we were running forever and I could feel my heart sink when I saw in big letter Terminal 1 but all I could see was an empty hall and empty seats. 

  ‘The flight to New York?’ I asked one of the employees while I tried to catch my breath.  
 ‘I’m sorry, it just took off’ she said.

 I could see Amy standing by the big window where I could see the plane go up in the air. I walked up to her and put my hands against the glass.

 ‘Damned’ I sighed. 

‘I’m sorry Cate’ she whispered as she put her hand on my shoulder. 

The adrenaline of rushing over here and the anticipation of seeing Tom fell off my shoulders and left me with a horrible empty feeling. 

 I couldn’t believe he was actually gone.  
  I walked away from the window and sank down on one of the chairs letting my hands go through my hair as I tried not to cry. 

I hated crying and I had done enough of it throughout the night.  Amy seemed to know I needed to be alone for a while and gave me some space.

  I was pulled from my thoughts when my cellphone rang, I almost let it fall to the floor when I saw it was Tom calling me.

 My voice was shaking as I answered,’ Tom?’

 ‘Cate? Did you call me?’ 

Hearing his voice brought back the tears in my eyes.

‘Yes I called you,’ I said, trying not to let him hear my tears,’ but it doesn’t matter, it’s too late’

 It stayed quiet on the other side.   
‘Wait, are you calling me from the plane?’ I asked surprised.

 ‘I’m not on the plane’ he said. 

My heart stopped for a moment. 

‘Why are you not on the plane?’

 ‘I booked a later flight,’ he explained,’ because I couldn’t leave without talking to you first’ 

‘Where are you?’ I asked softly.  
 ‘I’m standing in front of your door Cate,’ he said,’ but there doesn’t seem to be anyone here, where are you?’

  I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of the whole situation. 

‘I’m at the airport’ I said.  
 ‘What are you doing in the airport?’ I could hear the surprise in his voice.

 ‘I couldn’t let you leave without talking to you first either’ I said and I heard him smile through the phone.

 We were both quiet for a while until he spoke again.

 ‘Come to my house Cate, I’ll wait for you there’ he said.     

***

My whole body was shaking as I walked up the stairs to the roof of Tom’s house, where he had told me to meet him.

 He was standing by the side of the big balcony and turned around when he saw me.  I had to fight the urge to just run into his arms. 

He was wearing his favourite black sweater and his eyes looked tired. I walked up to him, trying to control my nerves. 

‘Hi’ I said softly. 

‘Cate,’ he sighed,’ I really want to…’ 

I raised my hand and put it on his chest.

  ‘Please let me say what I need to say first’ I pleaded. 

He put his hand on mine and smiled while he nodded his head.

 ‘I’m a stupid stupid woman’ I said.

 ‘No arguments here,’ he said and I gave him a mean look,’ sorry, go on’ 

‘I didn’t realise it until you were almost gone,’ I continued,’ of all the things I need to be happy you are it, you are the most important thing, I just got stuck but I see it now, the thing I need more than anything else is you…and I can’t lose you Tom’ 

He took my other hand and stood closer to me.

  ‘But I still want to stay in London’ I added. 

‘I know,’ he said with a little smile,’ I would never force you to go with me, you know that right?’

 ‘I was scared it would be too difficult with you there and me here’ I said. 

‘Difficult doesn’t scare me,’ Tom said,’ and it’s not always going to be like this, I’ll have other jobs in London too, or maybe we can work another movie together in the future’  

Hearing him talk about our future like that made me smile and finally set my mind at ease, for the first time I believed we would be able to make it work, because it was what we both wanted.

  I put my arms around his neck as he leaned in to kiss me, it was a slow but passionate kiss, a kiss that left no room for any doubt, his lips were telling me everything I needed to know. 

‘There’s one more thing I have to say to you Cate,’ he said softly.

 ‘What is it?’ I asked as my hands made their way under his sweater and around his waist.

 ‘I love you’ he whispered.  

Hearing him say it set my heart on fire again.

 ‘I love you too Hiddles,’ I smiled,’ sorry, I guess I’ll call you Tom from now on’

 ‘You can call me anything you want,’ he said with that mischievous smile on his face as he gave me a quick kiss and rested his head against mine,’ now, I believe Emily only needs you in two months from now?’

 ‘That’s right’ I said as I was drowning in his blue eyes and the smell of his cologne.  

‘How would you feel about a few weeks off in the beautiful city of Los Angeles enjoying the company of a struggling British actor?’ he asked.

 ‘It sounds like he could really use some company’ I smiled.

 ‘Oh he does’ he said.

 ‘Well you’ll have to disappoint him I’m afraid,’ I said and for a few seconds I could see the disappointment on his face,’ because I’m going to have my hands full with you’

 He shook his head smiling.

  ‘Don’t do that to me,’ he laughed,’ so you’ll come?’

 I nodded my head and kissed him. 

‘Yes Tom,’ I whispered,’ I’ll come with you’  

He pulled me close in a hug, hiding his head into my hair and whispering into my ear,’ I’m going to make you happy Cate, that’s a promise’

  ‘You already have’ I whispered back as I held him tight, I believed him with all my heart and this time I would never let him go again.

   

      


End file.
